Baby Steps
by atearsarahjane
Summary: Set after Sister Bernadette watches herself in the mirror in episode 1.4. She turns to a dear friend with unexpected concequences
1. Chapter 1

**This idea has been with me for over a year now but I've only been writing it for a month or so. Not entirely satisfied with the result but it's been festering in edit for a fortnight. Hope you enjoy x**

* * *

 _Knock knock_

'Come in. Oh, Nurse Franklin come in.' Sister Bernadette smiled as she beckoned the closest thing she had to a friend anywhere near her own age into the room. Trixie smiled as she closed the door gently, eager to avoid alerting the other nuns to her presence at this late hour. Strictly speaking she shouldn't be here but she simply had to talk to the nun.

'Sorry, I know it's supposed to be the Great Silence right now.'

'Don't worry about it. Have a seat.' Sister Bernadette smiled as she gestured to the bottom of her bed. 'How was the dance? I'm surprised to see you back so soon.' She said glancing at the small battered clock next to her writing desk. Trixie sat and noted instantly how much lumpier and thinner than it was than those the nurses had. Her respect for the woman before her grew even more. The ones the nurses had were far from perfect but at least they supported you.

'It was very pleasant thank you, Chummy and Constable Noakes looked ridiculous trying to dance so we all had a good laugh.' They smiled.

'I can imagine. That still doesn't explain why you're home earlier than everyone else and why you look so uneasy.'

'I was thinking…'

'Yes? Is it something I can help you with?' Sister Bernadette asked worriedly as she reached forwards for her friends hand. Trixie smiled at her before turning and facing the door. Taking a deep breath for courage she spoke.

'You seemed, and please do not get offended if I have misread this, but you seemed almost…jealous…of us as we left. You looked sad, like you wanted to be going with us.'

'You're correct.' The nun replied without a second of hesitation. Trixie gasped and spun to face her, her jaw dropping as she saw the solemnity in her friends face.

'I…what?'

'Eloquent as always Trixie.' Sister Bernadette chuckled at her friends dumbfounded expression.

'You are jealous?'

'Can I trust you? You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.'

'Of course. You can tell me anything, I hope you'll always feel able to. I promise you no-one will hear anything from me.' Sister Bernadette stood from the writing desk and moved to sit next to Trixie on the bed taking the precious few seconds it afforded her to try and get her thoughts in order.

'Of course I'm jealous. You are so happy. You're all so beautiful and you have the freedom to go and do just about anything you want to. I love being in the Order but I'm so much younger than my sisters- they're a different generation and we don't have anything except our vocation in common really. As much as I may act like them it's not what I truly wish I could be doing. My 'friends', though I'm not really allowed to have any, live the life I always thought I'd have when I was growing up. You'd never believe it but before I joined the Order I took a lot of pride in my appearance, I was really quite popular at school. In retrospect it seems I spent half my teenage years going out drinking and dancing, not too badly of course just enough to enjoy those years of my life. Especially in the years between the war and my joining the order. Oh the laughs I had with my friends.

For the first few years here it was okay, the nurses were a bit boring and I was still enamoured with my new religious life so I never realised that something was missing. But then you arrived and you were so full of life, then Nurse Miller joined and the two of you, though vastly different, were very good friends and I began to see what I was missing out on. Then of course Nurses Lee and Browne arrived and you all fit together and suddenly I could see myself in amongst you. I got closer to you, began to seek you out more. I know it's only been a few months since they arrived but my feelings have changed so much in them that I can't help but wonder what they'll be in a few months more. Suddenly the small things I'd grown discontented with over the years came together until it was a big thing.'

'Oh Sister. Surely you don't have to stay in the order if you don't want to? I know it's intended to be a lifelong position but people must leave from time to time? The Lord wouldn't want you to be tormented like this. If you are sad then He would want you to be happy. Isn't that the point of Christianity? Love and happiness?'

'Oh no I could never leave this life. He is testing me, Job suffered and was rewarded. I made a commitment, a promise, I'm very lucky to have been given this opportunity.'

'Do you want to say that again but sound like you believe your own words this time?' Trixie offered smiling slightly at the annoyed roll of eyes from the nun at her words. Sister Bernadette smiled softly and let her head fall into her hands.

'I can't hide anything from you can I?'

'What can I say? I'm exceptionally talented at reading you.'

'You're the only one who looks at me. I'm just another habit to the others.'

'Perhaps I am.' Trixie leant back on the bed as she thought deeply. 'Sister how long have you been in the order?'

'Almost 9 years now.'

'9? You must have been a teenager when you joined!'

'I was 21.' Sister Bernadette shrugged as she stood and began to pace the floor slowly, her face betraying the depth of thought she was in.

'Then perhaps you joined too early in life? Maybe you hadn't had the chance to truly live your life before you gave it up? I'm sure the sisters would understand that.'

'No, they wouldn't. How did this turn from how lovely you looked tonight into a discussion about my discontent with the religious life?'

'Because you need someone to talk to, you need to hear yourself say the words you need to hear, the words you're afraid to say. Sister you need to be honest with yourself before you can move on.'

''Trixie.'

'Yes Sister?

'I'm not sure I want to be a nun anymore.' Trixie smiled at the weight that had visibly lifted from her friends shoulders at the words. She stood and wrapped her in a one armed hug.

'Baby steps. What do you want to do now then? Obviously you need to think this over properly but is there anything I can do to help you at this moment? I am here for you every step of the way.'

'I don't really know where to begin. I do want to find out if this is the life God wants for me but what if I'm wrong and I've sinned by even contemplating another way.'

'I have an idea.'

'Go on.'

'Perhaps, and I would understand if you did not want to, but perhaps if you took off your wimple? Just for a minute or two? I'll even leave the room if you want. That way you can see how it feels to be free from the constrains of the Order a little.'

'I have a confession, I did that already earlier after you left. I indulged myself in a moment of vanity. Would you mind if I took if off in front of you? So I can see how it feels to be less nun-y in company?'

'Of course.' Nervously she slid her fingers up and, almost absently, gently stroked the edge of her head coverings. She took a deep breath, let her nerves settle down, let her panic subside and let the knowledge that although it may contravene one of the basic rules of being a nun she was going the right thing. She unclipped her wimple and placed it between them and then did the same with her bandeau. Now adorned in only her cap, and with some of her hair already visible as it slipped out, she faced the final push. Up until this point she was still good, she was still following the rules, she was allowed to be seen in her cap and often had been after bathing or if she was summoned in the night. But she wasn't going to stop there so for the second time that evening she slid the cap off and unpinned her hair so that it tumbled over her shoulders. Her eyes flickered back up to Trixie's face. 'What do you think?'

'Honestly?'

'Yes.'

'You're beautiful. You look more…complete. Whenever I see Sister Monica Joan roaming with her hair down it's just that-Sister Monica Joan plus hair, with you when you're in your habit it's as if there's something missing and I think that must be your hair and the freedom it grants you. Do you understand what I mean?'

'I think so. You really think I'm beautiful?'

'Of course. You're extremely pretty  
Well your glasses don't exactly flatter you…may I-' Shelagh paused for a second before nodding and letting Trixie slip her glasses off. 'Your eyes are magnificent, I can't believe I never really looked at them before. These glasses of yours completely obscure them.'

'That was rather the point.' She coked a crooked smile at her platinum haired fried. Trixie chuckled.

'Well yes I suppose it was. It's a shame you have to hide yourself when you're having second thoughts.'

'I will admit I am relishing the chance to be able to relax and let myself be…well to be me a little more than usual.'

'You can always be yourself 100% with me.'

'Thank you I appreciate that. Your support means more to me than you could possibly imagine.'

'I'd like to get to know you better as the person you are inside and not the person you pretend to be for the rest of the world. I like you very much as you are normally but I think I'll like the real you even more.'

'You want to know Shelagh? I barely remember who I am under the habit. My childhood wasn't exactly tickety boo as Chummy would say. I buried the girl I was under layers of rules and regulations. What if I can't rediscover her and make peace with the past?'

'Your name is Shelagh? I'm never usually a fan of that name but with your lilt it's practically melodic.'

'Thank you.'

'As for the possibility of rediscovering yourself, I am certainly not the girl I was only a few years ago. I too had childhood issues and whilst I haven't exactly accepted them and moved on, I don't think about it as much as I used to, I don't let it affect me.'

'Oh Trixie what do I do? I'm supposed to be able to help other people but I can't even help myself.'

'You need to find out if you're Shelagh or Bernadette.'

'But what then? What if I am Shelagh?'

'Then you keep on being the best midwife I have ever met and you keep nursing.'

'I mean aside from work. I cannot imagine myself married to a physical, human man with children but neither can I imagine myself alone. I don't want to be alone.' Shelagh frowned as she voiced thoughts she hadn't even known she was thinking. It all made sense though, her torment was suddenly a little less unclear as the pieces of the puzzle began to take shape. Trixie smiled softly and squeezed her hands before resting them in her lap.

'You won't be. You don't have to be.'

'I truly do appreciate your friendship but I didn't mean alone without friends.

'Neither did I. Do you trust me? '

'Yes. Of course.'

'Then close your eyes.' Warily she did so ad waited for something to happen. To her shock she suddenly felt press of Trixie's lips against her own.

She gasped sharply. Everything in her was screaming to stop this and remind them both of the scriptures barring this, well, barring the later actions that this could lead to, and it only specified the prohibition of _men_ engaging in such actions. If she was honest with herself none of those objections mattered anyways for no force on earth could tear her away from the rightness that exuded from her friends lips. Slowly she raised her hand to cradle Trixie's face and tilted her own to deepen the kiss. After several long, breathtaking, moments they pulled back.

'Oh. Wow.' Shelagh gaped as Trixie's eyes flickered over her face anxiously trying to ascertain her standing. Seeing the happiness she felt reflected back at her, tinged, to her utmost surprise, with just a hint of longing lust, she pressed on.

'You can't imagine a future with a man, what about with a woman? If you want to you'll never have to be alone.'

'Hmm. I think I need to test this new option again.' she grinned and pulled Trixie back to her lips.


	2. The Morning After The Night Before

**This chapter and the next were originally one but I decided to split it else I'd never get this part published at the rate I'm editing atm (work just wipes me out).**

Sister Bernadette's eyes flicked open slowly. A quick glance at her clock, barely visible in the half light of a barely begun dawn, told her that Sister Julienne would be by in a few minutes to collect her for lauds. As the rest of her senses woke she realised the major issue her sisters imminent arrival would present. Curled up against her side, head over her heart and her hands in her own, was Trixie. She smiled as she remembered the night before. Her future had seemed so unclear back then -was her calling to be a nun or a lay nurse? Would she ever feel like a future with a man could make her happy? Now she knew that she wanted to be with Trixie whatever it took. Even if they didn't work out then at least she knew that it was with a woman she wanted to have by her side for the rest of her life. She still loved God but no longer was he enough to full her heart, now that she had kissed Trixie the final piece of it had slid into place.

'Trixie? Sweetheart you need to wake up.' She slid up her hand to brush away a tendril of hair from the blondes face. Trixie's eyes dragged open with a groan.

'Hmm what?'

'Sister Julienne is going to be here in a minute. You need to hide or we will have some awkward questions to answer.'

'Of course. What time is it?' Sitting upright their hands slid together.

'4.'

'In the morning? You're a bloody maniac.'

'I'm a nun. Please, I need to get changed too so you can hide in the wardrobe. It's not large but so long as the door is closed enough that it won't arouse her suspicions we'll be okay.'

'Can I get a good morning kiss first?'

'Of course.'

'Murgh morning breath.'

'Pot kettle black. I should be free around midday, I think we need to talk don't you? It's nothing bad, at least I hope it be so?'

'Are you certain? About this? Us?'

'I couldn't be more certain.'

'Okay. To the wardrobe I go.'

—

'Hello.' Shelagh crept up behind Trixie as the blonde walked down the street towards the dockyard.

'Hi.'

'Let's take a walk.' They wandered in silence for several minutes until they were safely ensconced in an abandoned alleyway.

'Sis-Shelagh? Are you alright? I'm sorry I stayed the night, I did mean to go back to my own bed before the others got home but you were just too warm. Do you regret what we did last night? I shouldn't have been so forward I'm sorry. I understand if you want to tell the nuns or a policeman.' If her words hadn't shocked Shelagh then her demeanour certainly would have done. Gone was the confident woman she had known for so many years, in her place was a frightened and uncertain young woman. She took Trixie's hands in her own.

'What? No Trixie I don't want to tattle on you. Far from it in fact. I need to know where we stand though before I say anything. Are you gay or were you just comforting me last night? If you are then how do you actually feel toward me? Was last night a one off or do you want to take it further?'

'I'm not gay, I like women and men both. I must admit to being somewhat disheartened that you think me the kind of girl to kiss someone a lot and then spend the night in their arms if I was only to comfort them. That I would do that with anyone else I knew? I'm not as easy as everyone may think of me.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Of course you're not like that-I know everyone jokes about it but we all know you just have a big heart. I just needed to know where I stand in your eyes.'

'I like you sister-Shelagh. I really like you. Like like you. I would like it if we could explore the possibilities open to us, I want to take this further, but I would understand if you felt differently. I know us together is supposedly sinful and it's somewhat illegal but last night I slept happier than I have done in many years. I didn't realise until after Jenny and Chummy arrived that my feelings for you had changed from when I first met you. The friendship I had with them was so different from how I felt whenever you walked into a room or smiled at me. I want to be with you Shelagh, I want you to be my girlfriend and to be by my side for all our days. I know this is a lot to handle.'

'I want that too.' They grinned at each other.

'I'm glad but this is such a drastic departure from how your life is currently that I think you should think it over for a while. I don't want you to regret this in years to come.'

'I won't but that's a good idea. We should both make sure this is what we want and then discuss how to proceed after that.'

'Alright. I should go, Sister Evangelina wanted to talk to me, I daren't wonder what for.'

'Okay.' Trixie leant forwards and kissed sister Bernadette lightly on the cheek. 'I'll see you at dinner Shelagh.'


End file.
